The Patient Person for March 2, 2007

• By LAURIE SMITH ANDERSON
• Advocate columnist
• Published: Mar 2, 2007

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Many years ago, as a cub reporter, I covered a senior citizens convention in Alexandria that has been forever etched in my mind.

The Preservation Hall Jazz Band captivated its audience. The elderly conventioneers got up and danced. Moved by the music, they grew more excited. It was fun watching these “old people” be so animated.

Then, someone fell to the floor: He didn’t get up. He didn’t move. He didn’t breathe.

When paramedics arrived, they couldn’t resuscitate him.

The old man was dead.

In my years before and since, his is the only death I have actually witnessed. I remember the feeling of being a helpless bystander. Later, I thought, “What a wonderful way to depart this life — to die while dancing. No pain. No fearful forewarning. No goodbyes. No regrets.”

I decided that’s the way I would like to go. I guess I didn’t get to choose.

Anticipated since I was diagnosed with late-stage colon cancer 16 months ago and brought into sharper focus since I entered hospice a couple of weeks ago, my pending death is a matter of open discussion now. In a way that’s a relief. Friends don’t have to cautiously two-step around it.

It’s not a topic I enjoy talking about or dwell on, but it is a reality that’s never far from my thoughts.

The man I saw die was old. At 53, I am young. Well, I’m “still middle-aged,” which is how my 9-year-old stepson described me when I was 31.

While the conventioneer may never have seen death coming, I’ve felt its approach like the headlight of a train from a long way off. For a long time I struggled with the ropes with which the villain Cancer tied me to the tracks. Now, I’ve laid back to look at the stars, grow closer to God and be with my family, who also lack the tools to cut my bonds.

Though I would have opted for a quicker death, I’ve come to realize that the process I’m going through also has its advantages.

The precious gift of time to make amends, to grow spiritually, to do the things I want to do with the people I want to do them with is invaluable.