'Cirque Du Freak' a poor excuse for a vampire film

• By JOHN WIRT
• Movie critic
• Published: Oct 30, 2009

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As vampire tales go, the New Orleans- and Baton Rouge-filmed Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant ranks low on the growing list of vampire books, movies and TV series. A few drops of HBO’s authentically Southern, wryly allegorical True Blood, for instance, are more entertaining than The Vampire’s Assistant’s entire hour and 47 minutes.

Like True Blood and the Twilight movies, Vampire’s Assistant is based on a book series, the Cirque Du Freak novels by British author Darren Shan. Directed by Paul Weitz (American Pie, About a Boy) and written by Weitz and Brian Helgeland, Vampire’s Assistant is a poor adaptation indeed. It’s more made-for-TV movie than $40 million feature.

Nothing in Vampire’s Assistant works, other than the always intriguing Willem Dafoe’s cameo appearances as Gavner Purl, one of the story’s good vampires. Dafoe already has a claim to being vampire-movie royalty. He starred in one of the great vampire flicks of recent years, 2000’s Shadow of the Vampire. And Dafoe surely would have been a better choice to play Larten Crepsley, leading vampire in The Vampire’s Assistant.

As it is, the miscast John C. Reilly stars as Crepsley, a performer in a traveling freak show that stops in 16-year-old Darren’s community for a clandestine engagement at an abandoned theater. Reilly is a talented serious and comic actor, but here, like other cast members, he’s felled by amateur-night theatrics and a weak script that doesn’t connect the dots or explain much of anything.

The bland Chris Kelly co-stars as Darren, a happy kid who’s well on his way to the conventionally successful life his abrasively straight-arrow parents envision for him. So why is good boy Darren best friends with angry psychopath Steve (Josh Hutcherson), except as a conduit to ruin?

Steve leads Darren into sundry temptation, including attendance at Cirque Du Freak. Led by master of ceremonies Mr. Tall (Ken Watanabe), the evening’s performances include such not-so-astounding acts as a bearded lady, a grotesque werewolf and a snake boy whose real passion is alternative rock.

Cirque Du Freak also features Crepsley and his spider, Octa, a giant insect that’s obviously fake. Crepsley, thanks to the viciously disloyal Steve, becomes the reluctant Darren’s entrée to the vampire world, in which he suffers through tough love dispensed by the protective but cold Crepsley.

Darren’s adventures as the vampire’s assistant neither frighten nor amuse. Supporting characters such as the meddling Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris), Madame Truska the Bearded Lady (Salma Hayek) and Rebecca the Monkey Girl (Jessica Carlson) muddle the already hazy proceedings.

Inept to the core, The Vampire’s Assistant never rises to the occasion, which makes the film’s blatant stabs at preparing the way for a sequel all the more pointless.